Boundaries… WTF!!!

 

Have you ever had an epiphany that comes on so quickly that it feels like you’ve just been knocked in the face?

I mean, like really, hits you upside the head with a resounding “Duh!?!?”

Boundaries were one of the most difficult things for me.

Growing up in a home with a narcissistic parent has left me knee – okay… neck-deep in codependent patterns and tendencies.

It has been through a lot of energy work, specifically reiki and body talk along with hypnosis that I have unwound almost all of those self-sabotaging stories. I have learned to speak my truth with just about everyone. I have learned to ask for what I need without guilt. I have learned that I am, in fact, worthy of love, especially from myself. But boundaries – with those closest to me… I would rather walk into a pit of pissed off rattlesnakes than set a boundary or put myself first.

All this work in self-development has taught me that until I learn the lesson, it will continue to repeat itself and get more uncomfortable until I DO learn it. Fuck.

I found myself in a situation that I had been in many, many times before, and this time – something felt different.

Maybe it was all the subtle shifts of my thought patterns… or maybe it was the emotional charges to traumatic situations that were drained away… I can’t really say for sure but I was able to actually communicate my needs to someone VERY close to me who was, before that moment, the hardest person for me to do that with. It was HARD, but it was doable. And I did it. I told this person what I wanted, what I needed. Which was actually a very simple request – I wanted to spend the weekend by myself. I didn’t want to see this person over the weekend. We had made no set plans, although it was assumed that because it was the weekend, time would be spent together. I had had a helluva couple of weeks with SO MANY changes and I simply needed a weekend to fill my own cup.

I chose to speak my truth near the end of the day because I wasn’t sure of the reaction I may get and if it was a crappy one, well, then I would have gotten to navigate my way through an extra full day of clients while my phone blew up with nasty, guilt-ridden text messages reminding me that I was a selfish person that really should have thought about all the effort that was being put into seeing me by them. How rude was I?? Having carefully done all the math around my options, I took a deep, deep breath and told them that I wanted to be alone, I was not telling them that I didn’t want to see them, I was just taking some time to myself to process and fill my cup. And no, that was not their job to do. 

I was pleasantly surprised by the response “That must have been really hard for you to say.” The sun shone, the birds sang, the heavens almost opened up with cherubs until it was cut short quickly and the conversation was left at “I have to go.”

Uh-oh… taking another deep breath, I stood my ground. I was not taking too much.

The phone rang, and the guilt started. “Don’t I fill you up? Don’t I hold your space? Isn’t that what a partnership is?” I calmly explained that the way I needed to fill my cup could only be done by me this time. The self-hypnosis was paying off as I navigated stormy waters with ease and grace! Until later in the evening when the winds picked up and the waters churned angrily and I didn’t respond… deciding to wait the storm out, I went to bed with peace in my heart. The recording lulled me to sleep as I imagined a warm orange liquid clearing out the emotional stress.

Waking up with a reminder of what may lie ahead, I made a cup of coffee with frankincense oil, lit some incense, and a candle. I started to write about standing my ground and the nagging tug led me to check my phone. 13 messages. 13!!!!! 

And it was ugly. Really ugly, and mean and hurtful. The words tore into me like a razor-sharp sword, slicing and tearing apart my heart and when it was over, I had reached a turning point. No one would ever talk to me that way again. Ever. I asked for help from my guides (I met them during a body talk session) and worded a reply that was short, sharp, and to the point. Then that fateful push of a setting on my phone to block this contact.

I was so proud of myself as I delivered the last of their things to their door. Knowing they were home and not caring, I dropped everything off and got in my car, and left. I saw them come to their gate and I didn’t even look back! Silently high-fiving myself for showing such strength I unblocked them. And engaged again……

The exchange lasted all day. ALL DAY. The messages were written in hurt and anger, the words and letters flowing into one another, sometimes not even making sense. The rage was so prevalent. Finally an actual phone call… because, why not??

I don’t think I have ever been so angry at this person, ever in all the time they have been a part of my life. I was LIVID. As I write this, I understand that I was really angry at myself – thank you hypnosis.

After about 40 minutes, I was getting worked up again and I yelled “I asked for the weekend to myself and I have spent all last night and today engaged with you and your reaction.”


And then it hit me. And them. We both just stopped. For a moment there was silence. A softly mumbled awareness of consequences to their actions came from the other end and a light bulb went off in my head that was damn near blinding.

I DIDN’T HAVE TO ENGAGE!!!!.

Duh. It sounds so simple to most people and really, it is. Stop engaging Daneaya. Just stop. Then you will get to honour your boundary and request that you worked so gallantly to get. It became so clear, so simple that I almost started to laugh. I felt giddy!!

The person on the other end didn’t get it. They immediately started to beat themself up for their actions. It wasn’t their fault. Not at all. I mean, they weren’t doing anything different than they’ve done before, I was different. I took 100% responsibility for myself and understood that I was not being consistent in choosing myself. I set the boundary by stating my intention for the weekend to myself but I was not enforcing it. That was all I had to do. That was all I ever had to do. That is all I ever get to do. I get to choose me. Without guilt. 

Life-changing moment here folks. So simple.

This was an insanely hard moment in my story, but the lesson of choosing myself has truly been the biggest blessing I could have ever hoped for.

If anyone out there reading this can relate, please know you’re not alone and reach out to someone, anyone.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

In Love and Support,

Daneaya Z.

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